 | A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
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| God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested. Want more? Call or text ChaCha!
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| Obama as Prez and Hillary Clinton as VP would make the best combo of a black man and white woman since, oh, Michael Jackson.
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| You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
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| What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
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| I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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| I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright
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| Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
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| The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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| Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Because they heard every fourth child born is Chinese.
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| I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright
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| First you forget names, then faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. -G. Burns
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| What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
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| I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.
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| Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
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| Scientists say they’ve found a new link between depression and obesity. Not surprisingly it’s a sausage link.
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| A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
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| I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -Steven Wright
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| Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -Steven Wright. Want another? Ask ChaCha!
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| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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| I only use deodorant under one arm, just so I know what I would have smelled like.
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| I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steven Wright
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| My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright
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| There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
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| For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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| My grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. It was elevator practice -Steven Wright
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| What would you get if you crossed the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
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| Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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| I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright
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| What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
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| I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -Steven Wright
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| I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
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| Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
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| When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
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| Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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| I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -Steven Wright
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| Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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| I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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